Valentine's Day Can Suck It.

I know everything about love. Seriously. I do. I mean, I'm what you can call a super pro on relationships. This said, I would like to point out why this day of love, formally known as Valentine's Day, is sucky. I'm I bitter? Duh.
Rated PG 13, just so y'all know.

10 Reasons Why Valentine's Day Can Suck It.

10.) Hearts. Hearts aren't two bumps with a pointy bottom...that sounds bad. What I mean is, they are a bloody muscle that looks like a....a bloody muscle. What's so great about them? They're gross. They keep us alive, but they're gross.
Gross.
Is this a valid point in the slightest? Absolutely not.


9.) It's all about the ca-ching, dough, loot, legal tender, bucks, cash, MONEY. Hallmark has got it made during the month of February. So do florists. Oh, and those people that sell stuffed animals. And candy merchants...and probably jewelry people... restaurants...theaters...ALL under the guise called "love".

8.) Jealous single friends. Just stay home and shut up already. 

7.) Being the jealous single friend. Alienated. Why? Because you're single. THEN, to make you feel worse you're surrounded by sickening displays of kissing, cupids, hearts, pda, and eventually, you're own puke.

6.)The pity gift. Do you want to really know who sent you those flowers? yeah. I'll tell you what, it wasn't not your mom. 

5.) Cupid. So...he's a naked short guy that goes around shooting people with arrows....and we're all...okay with this?

4.) Nothing is good enough thanks to your friends. They tease you if a guy gets you a lame gift. They let you know you're in a "go-nowhere" relationship if you get nothing. And, of course, they let you know that your man is OBVIOUSLY hiding something if you actually get something nice. 

..I only have 7 reasons

Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want Jon Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.