1,000 of my Closest Friends

I have a friend...coughstuartcough..., a close friend, and, according to his Facebook statistics, he has 1,000 other close friends. I think that's great, really I do. So, I thought I would let everyone know, that I, too, have at least one thousand chumps, buds, friends, if you will.

First, I have my 213 Facebook friends. These are the friends that I peer into their lives, and stalk, from Aaron, who I think is the brother of someone I met once maybe, to Zachary, who I believe was the creepy kid everyone felt bad for back in Elementary School. Among these friends, I also have the Tres Amigos, which is actually only dose friends, because I'm the...er...tres one. The Tres Amigos consists of me, Seth, and Dan, and we are awesome. Also included in this group of buddy-buddies are my roommates. All five of 'em, although that is rather deceiving since it's possible not all of them are friends, but they do have the label of "friend" as defined by the all-knowing Facebook...so, they count. My bandmates are also in this group. BASK IN THE DAMAGE, which is basically the Tres Amigos plus Andrew. And we rock! (Get it? Rock...heh). And, I musn't forget those who went to the Valley of the Goblins (tres amigos - Seth +Stuart + Jackson, but this is just getting ridiculous) Anywho, so these 213 people are definitely real close.

Next, I have my 176 friends in in church, and no, I left out the Facebook friends so I'm not double counting or whatever. They are really friends! I mean, I know like four of them by name...well five, because I found out that there are 5 Jordans. So...I have a 5/182 chance of being right if I call someone Jordan. But, really, we are tight. I mean, I've ditched group prayer and fake family home evening almost every single week, and they know me enough to not pester me about it or care.

I also have my physical science class. Now there's a group of friends! 210 of the brightest, smartest, coolest kids ever! I love all of them! Especially the Indian kid with the weird lisp voice that so kindly informed all of his friends, meaning the entire class, of the first man-made earthquake, where some-odd million people jumped at exactly the same time. Oh, he is so smart. Of course, they are ALL my friends, not just him. He's simply the example of all the greatness of that particular group of comrades

Some real good friends of mine are the ones I've met playing Halo online. I'll round down just to be nice. We'll just say 300, I must admit, that's a real ROUGH estimate and I probably have a lot more friends, and don't get me wrong, we're REAL close, I just have never counted. We love to tease each other, and talk, and sing, and play games. So fun.

Next, I've got my 55 confidants on the Board of Directors for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. These guys are great! Truly. They send me letters and invitations ALL THE TIME! They even continue to send them after I've ignored them completely, how nice is that? And they're always inviting me to do things. For example, just this past week they sent me an invitation to go on a walk with them. So nice.

I've got to be GOOD friends with 30 people I walked by today. Especially the awkward girl laying completely spread eagle on the grass, and the my friend that was singing Oklahoma. Man, I love these guys.

I also have some of my old neighbors. We'll count 10, because really, they're all old and keep dying. The only family around has like 3 kids, but I'm only counting two. One is a baby that is quite the ugly little thing...and he throws up a ton, so I am most certainly not counting him as my friend. So that's four. The other six are young couples. So cute. We are such pals.

Then, there's 3 Teacher's Assistants, who are really really awesome. We get along like peas in a pod. They're so cool; I love how they stare at me awkwardly and pretend to be my professor. I also adore how hard they grade my assignments.

Finally, there's me, myself and I. We are bffs!!!

Best Note-Taking Skills

I take REALLY good notes! Here is an example of the notes I took in a lecture about memory. These are my actual notes...take your own notes on the greatness of these notes to remember how to take great notes. (these are real)

Memory:

Sigmund Freud-what we choose to forget coincides with self-esteem

Schemas-basic ideas of people, places, etc.

JERKS TO BUNNIES

Anxiety to memory loss

Chunking

Night of TERROR

Sunday night sucked. Read this blog to know why. (I'm way too lazy to actually write stuffs.) Ashley's Blog

My Taps Are Better Than Yours

I am always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. And so are you. Admit it. You are always right. All your opinions are the right ones. We could both totally disagree and we're still both right. (take that Aristotle and your theory of non-contradiction!)

I realized this while I was going through my tap class with a bored face, feeling as if I was the only one actually going with the count, the only one really bending my knees, the only one who understood what was a syncopated beat actually meant, and then turning around to see the girl next to me was right with me.

Wait.

I wasn't the only one. What is she thinking? I asked myself, I bet she thinks she is the only one that is actually going with the count, the only one really bending her knees and the only one that understands what a syncopated beat means. Skunkface. I mean, seriously! How dare she think that. Besides,

My taps are way cuter than her prissy new ones.

But then, I realized that I DON'T think I'm better than everyone else. I'm just always right. Get the difference? Work with me on this. Let's say I tried my absolute hardest to look as good as possible in hopes of landing a hot date at a party or something, and some floozy hot girl waltzes in with her natural beauty that took all of three minutes to "spice" up for the night.

Am I better than her?

No.

Am I hotter than her?

No.

Am I gonna get a hot date with her around?

Heck no.

But I'm right.

You see? You can always be right without being the best. What else am I right about?

RED lipstick looks bad on you. (I don't care who you are. Male, Female, Black, White...whatever) If it's really red, it doesn't look appealing. You look like a clown. Off-reds, pinks, whatevers, are fine, but keep in mind, lipstick tastes gross, which is a definite downside to you and the poor person you make kiss you.

Also, just because you use a euphemism, does not mean you can talk about whatever you want. Saying "she's expecting" instead of "she's prego" is fine, this does not mean you can talk about her pregnancy wherever and whenever. Get what I mean? Here's another example:

Phil: Hey Jill, I've been meaning to talk to you.

Jill: Yeah?

Phil: Yeah...would you go to homecoming with me?

Jill: Yeah!

Phil: Whew...I was sure you were a "woman in sensible shoes" (lesbian)

Jill:.........................

And, when you are being ignored, there's a reason. If people keep stepping on what you're trying to say, than they are obviously not interested in hearing it. DON'T KEEP GETTING LOUDER! Instead, shush it. I do it all the time, I have no hard feelings, I'm just not that interesting...but face it, there are sometimes when you need to just back off and QUIET down.

Oh, and, you have to be really specific when making wishes. I'm serious. This is a totally true story that I may or may not, but most certainly did just make up:

Quincy Mariah lived in a the town of Ecnanetniam (not that that's vital to the story), and she loved everything about Ecnanetniam, especially, but not limited to, Whitney Young. Unfortunately, Whitney was stuck in a big pickle! You see, Whitney Young was actually a boy with really jerky parents.

Anywho, Quincy loved Whitney and he loved her too. It was sweet, really. One day, Whitney got the gall to ask Quincy out on a date. Quincy eagerly accepted and hightailed it over to the nearest mall to get some cutesy date clothes. Upon leaving the mall, she spotted one of those cheesy fountains. It was really more of a big basin of chlorinated water with a rusted spout that would occasionally barf more water into the basin. But, in any case, she decided to make a wish and toss the coin into the fountain. Her wish was rather simple I wish that Whitney and I will have an awesome life together.

That night, he picked her up in his Jeep Wrangler. The ride to the movie theater was AWESOME and full of romantic conversation. The movie was AWESOME and full of romantic tension. And, the dinner was AWESOME and full of romantic beef. However, as the two lovebirds left the restaurant, a morbidly obese French dude jumped off the top of the restaurant in an effort to see if his fat would save his organs from such a fall, and crushed both of them...to death.

Quincy's wish came true (the French guy's did too, just so you know), but fate was cruel.

So seriously, make wishes carefully. Quincy really should have said I wish that Whitney and I will have an awesome life together; don't shorten our lives to accommodate this; don't make us happily disabled or anything, no funny stuff! Conscious, healthy, happy, awesome, long life together. Even that is a little too general.

Also, if you ever happen to write a story and can't think of a good name. Go ahead and steal some names off of the Important Numbers list hanging up in your dorm (i.e.Whitney; Quincy). If you need something more unique, try taking something off the same list and spelling it backwards (i.e. Maintenance can be the name of a city, Ecnanentniam).

The Odious Seth McGuire

Have you ever seen Seth McGuire? Have you ever met him? If you have, then you don't have to bother reading this post, but if you haven't, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: he is satanic.

Upon first meeting this despicable excuse for a human, your initial reaction will probably go a little something like this, "What in the blazes is that one blog girl talking about?!? Seth is GREAT." Yeah. I thought that too. (except for the "blog girl" part, because that girl is me, and that wouldn't really make sense....)

But, then, I learned the truth.

Let me first explain why people are so easily fooled into thinking this barbarian is not half bad.

See what I mean? When I first met this guy, I thought he would be just fine.

But this is why he is not:

We will start with his "humor". Not only is it incredibly inappropriate, but it is awfully rude and annoying. His brutish comments make one feel as though their self-esteem has been squished into a blender, pureed, poured out into a beer mug, and quaffed by a greasy, fat, balding man in the gutters of Austin, Texas. I suppose to some of you unhallowed Americans (or of the like) this is perfectly acceptable; however, to the rest of us, this behavior is damnable.

Some of you still doubt his depravity? Alright. Let me continue.

His "kindness" is completely nonexistent. Sure, he's polite enough when he has to be, but this kid is the definition of cruelty. If Seth, or should I say, Apollyon, doesn't like someone, he will let you know in the RUDEST way possible. No one gets along with everyone, but most people have the decency to let bygones be bygones, ignore their enemy completely, or tell their adversary of their hatred towards them directly to their face. And then, there's people like Seth. These people talk mercilessly about people behind their backs saying things like, "She is stupid and ugly" or "No one should like her", and the like. But it gets worse, when the victims of this ruthless gossip are around Seth, he intentionally treats them like they are idiots. He rolls his eyes, stares at them blankly with the "you're an idiot" face, and even insults them. How very rude.

I could go on for days about the fiendish tendencies of this young man, but I will close with this: Seth's egotistical behaviors cause most everyone else to feel inferior. This is not okay. Many a depression and/or suicide could result from this bad habit of his.

Plus, sometimes he's icky and swears.

Ten Things I Hate About U (with a b and a y surrounding the u)

Don't get me wrong, I'm lovin college, but it's not all that fun to write about what you like; writing about what you DON'T like is where it's at! So, BYU, prepare to be bashed!!! (Tee Hee)

Now, I'm sure you've all heard of the movie Ten Things I Hate About You, I, coincidently, hate that movie. But the cleverness of it being the title of this blog was too great/I'm not clever so that's all I could think of...and therefore, here are (buh buh da buh da da da buh da da da da da da buh bumpty buh boppity boppity buh du bu du du bu du du bumpity bumpity duh)

Ten Things I Hate About BYU:

1.) Parking: Who am I kidding? Parking? I can't hate what's not there, and parking most certainly does not exist here! You would think with all the news of "young adults" texting and facebooking and reading and brushing their teeth and making out and playing the flute and checking if their pits stink and piercing their ears and getting drunk and screaming and doing homework and washing their socks and painting masterpieces and baking soufflé and getting their braces adjusted and shaving their legs and brushing their hair and watching Zombieland and playing X-box and putting out fires and dancing and painting their nails and doing their chores and licking various objects and eating chilli and buying crap off of iTunes and using the john while driving, that they would realize that a lot of "young adults" DRIVE! Meaning they could HAVE cars!!! MEANING we need parking spots!!! MORE of them!!!!

2.) The Walk to Church: We don't even go to church in an ACTUAL church it's some random building...so WHY did they have to pick a random building that was far away and up a hill and full of a zillion other Y kids who all go to church???? I'm just saying, they might as well have church in our own dorm building. Gah!!!

3.) Honor Code: Some stuff in the Honor Code is good...and needed, but other stuff is just stupid. Lame hours for guys being in our dorm room is one of them. I don't really care too much, because it's not like any guys come over that I know...well, Andrew, but he doesn't really count as a guy. ALSO, my roommate got sent home from a dance because her shorts were too short. Let me emphasize the actual length of her shorts...ahem, NOT AT ALL SHORT! They were like at her knees. So, that was ridiculous. Basically, everything is against the honor code. (I'm gonna listen to Take it Off and Hollaback Girl anyway!!! Suck it!

4.) Can't Get Illegal Music: I love music, I hate paying for it. Is that a crime? (well...it is, but..) I haven't gotten illegal music, because I didn't really want to...until now, when I am poor, but guess what? I can't! BYU BLOCKED it! It's like not even a free country...er campus...here.

5.) Meat Market: Meat Market? Yes. Meat Market. What in the flippin' world is a meat market? Well, I will tell you. When you go to a butcher shop (aka "meat market") you see a world full of different meat. Ribs, steak, roasts, you name it, but you don't want to get some crappy meat with way nasty parts, so you inspect the meat carefully knowing you'll get some in the end. BYU is a meat market. The meat? Girls. The shopper? Boys. It's kind of ridiculous.

6.) Zoobies: The word "zoobie"is slang for the stereotypical BYU student. Here's what I dislike about them. Joggers: There is a BILLION joggers around campus all the time! From 4a.m to 10p.m. Somehow, they get away with ignoring the Honor Code in their tiny shorts and skimpy shirts. Bikers: Bikers ride around campus with their super smug looks, knowing they are getting around thirty times easier than us poor walkers (p.s. I'm wearing my sexy boots no matter how far I have to walk!) Romance: Everyone has to have a romantic something going on in their lives...EVERYONE.

7.) Homework: I knew the homework load would go up with the whole "jump to college" thing, but SHEESH! Week one and I already have three papers due, three hundred pages of reading, and a whole load of other crud. Luckily, in one of my classes my teacher said, and I quote, "If you don't get an A in this class you should be embarrassed, because it's very easy." But, golly, that's only one of SEVEN classes. Poop.

8.) BYU Internet: Why? You have to agree to some weird thing EVERY time you get on the internet on campus. Basically saying you won't do anything bad or naughty, you'd think they'd have a little trust in the students. I'm not saying I disagree completely with it. I hate gross internet stuff as much as the next guy, but I don't like reading a long statement every time I wanna go on the internet. It's also very slow.

9.) Difference in Standards: I thought that at BYU everyone would have the same standards, boy was I WRONG. Some people get offended at absolutely everything "Hey, what's up?" "Um...let's change the subject that's inappropriate" But some people are pretty chill with everything. AND I DON'T KNOW WHO IS WHO!!!! It's rather annoying.

10.) The (fill in blank) is broken: Things in this dorm tend to not work right.