My Taps Are Better Than Yours

I am always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. And so are you. Admit it. You are always right. All your opinions are the right ones. We could both totally disagree and we're still both right. (take that Aristotle and your theory of non-contradiction!)

I realized this while I was going through my tap class with a bored face, feeling as if I was the only one actually going with the count, the only one really bending my knees, the only one who understood what was a syncopated beat actually meant, and then turning around to see the girl next to me was right with me.

Wait.

I wasn't the only one. What is she thinking? I asked myself, I bet she thinks she is the only one that is actually going with the count, the only one really bending her knees and the only one that understands what a syncopated beat means. Skunkface. I mean, seriously! How dare she think that. Besides,

My taps are way cuter than her prissy new ones.

But then, I realized that I DON'T think I'm better than everyone else. I'm just always right. Get the difference? Work with me on this. Let's say I tried my absolute hardest to look as good as possible in hopes of landing a hot date at a party or something, and some floozy hot girl waltzes in with her natural beauty that took all of three minutes to "spice" up for the night.

Am I better than her?

No.

Am I hotter than her?

No.

Am I gonna get a hot date with her around?

Heck no.

But I'm right.

You see? You can always be right without being the best. What else am I right about?

RED lipstick looks bad on you. (I don't care who you are. Male, Female, Black, White...whatever) If it's really red, it doesn't look appealing. You look like a clown. Off-reds, pinks, whatevers, are fine, but keep in mind, lipstick tastes gross, which is a definite downside to you and the poor person you make kiss you.

Also, just because you use a euphemism, does not mean you can talk about whatever you want. Saying "she's expecting" instead of "she's prego" is fine, this does not mean you can talk about her pregnancy wherever and whenever. Get what I mean? Here's another example:

Phil: Hey Jill, I've been meaning to talk to you.

Jill: Yeah?

Phil: Yeah...would you go to homecoming with me?

Jill: Yeah!

Phil: Whew...I was sure you were a "woman in sensible shoes" (lesbian)

Jill:.........................

And, when you are being ignored, there's a reason. If people keep stepping on what you're trying to say, than they are obviously not interested in hearing it. DON'T KEEP GETTING LOUDER! Instead, shush it. I do it all the time, I have no hard feelings, I'm just not that interesting...but face it, there are sometimes when you need to just back off and QUIET down.

Oh, and, you have to be really specific when making wishes. I'm serious. This is a totally true story that I may or may not, but most certainly did just make up:

Quincy Mariah lived in a the town of Ecnanetniam (not that that's vital to the story), and she loved everything about Ecnanetniam, especially, but not limited to, Whitney Young. Unfortunately, Whitney was stuck in a big pickle! You see, Whitney Young was actually a boy with really jerky parents.

Anywho, Quincy loved Whitney and he loved her too. It was sweet, really. One day, Whitney got the gall to ask Quincy out on a date. Quincy eagerly accepted and hightailed it over to the nearest mall to get some cutesy date clothes. Upon leaving the mall, she spotted one of those cheesy fountains. It was really more of a big basin of chlorinated water with a rusted spout that would occasionally barf more water into the basin. But, in any case, she decided to make a wish and toss the coin into the fountain. Her wish was rather simple I wish that Whitney and I will have an awesome life together.

That night, he picked her up in his Jeep Wrangler. The ride to the movie theater was AWESOME and full of romantic conversation. The movie was AWESOME and full of romantic tension. And, the dinner was AWESOME and full of romantic beef. However, as the two lovebirds left the restaurant, a morbidly obese French dude jumped off the top of the restaurant in an effort to see if his fat would save his organs from such a fall, and crushed both of them...to death.

Quincy's wish came true (the French guy's did too, just so you know), but fate was cruel.

So seriously, make wishes carefully. Quincy really should have said I wish that Whitney and I will have an awesome life together; don't shorten our lives to accommodate this; don't make us happily disabled or anything, no funny stuff! Conscious, healthy, happy, awesome, long life together. Even that is a little too general.

Also, if you ever happen to write a story and can't think of a good name. Go ahead and steal some names off of the Important Numbers list hanging up in your dorm (i.e.Whitney; Quincy). If you need something more unique, try taking something off the same list and spelling it backwards (i.e. Maintenance can be the name of a city, Ecnanentniam).