Easy A....my life.

So, I've watched the movie Easy A a couple of times now. 1. I LOVE it. 2. I want to be her. Therefore, I'm gonna do my best to do so....right now.
Here's the beef of the movie:
After a little white lie about losing her virginity gets out, a clean cut high school girl sees her life paralleling Hester Prynne's in "The Scarlet Letter," which she is currently studying in school - until she decides to use the rumor mill to advance her social and financial standing.
That's it in a nutshell. So the protagonist, Olive, tells her side of the story with a big ol' webcast, in an effort to smooth out this nasty rumor. My "webcast" is going to be my blog. My losing the v-card story will be a rather upsetting tale about a couple of roommates and our inability to get along. She splits her story into different parts, from "The rumor-filled totally false account of how I ruined my flawless reputation" to  "Not with a fizzle, but with a BANG"

So enjoy, dear reader who could probably care less.

Part 1: Tears of Joy and then REGRET.
Yes. Joy. I got into a somewhat prestigious college close to home, and with full tuition. FULL tuition. Well, this college "strongly encourages" incoming freshmen to move into the dorms, so okay. In addition to my scholarship, I got a good chunk of money from the government. It's called a grant. Very useful...college goers? Look into it. So, I logged on the university's website and picked a corner bed in a corner room of a corner apartment...an empty apartment.
A while later some random girl added me as a friend on facebook. Sophia...with a little message "Um..I think we're roommates" How did she know?!?!?! So I looked it up ASAP. hmmm...Sophia, Nikole, Jenna, Elizabeth (Ashley)....Amy and Holly.
What?
I knew them.
I went to school with them.
But wanna know the real down to earth secret? I never really liked them. Holly was kinda "meh", but Amy was not a grade A friend. I always found her rather egotistical in a disgusting way. Sorry. Bein' frank. Anyway, I'm not holdin back here, I cried. In absolute utter frustration. I CRIED. My mom will totally back me up on this.
After I wiped away my not needed tears, I called Holly and Amy, and told them to please move in so many words. My "window" of moving had ended. Theirs hadn't. I was belligerent when they denied, I told myself, I guess I'll make the best of this....until it blows up in my face, because I know it will.
It did.
Part 2: Making the Best out of a No Good Terrible Gross Situation
Looooonnnnnnnnngggggg story short: it was hard to get along. I tried to in the summer, but it was a no from day one. I was even giving them the benefit of the doubt in my own personal journal. "Amy is kind of condescending," "I'm having a bit of a problem with Holly....," "Amy has a tendency to be egoistical," etc. I was even putting it nicely in my own private journal with my own private thoughts.
So we moved in. Exciting day!!! I met my other roommates, and in a non-gross lezbo way, we were a match made in heaven. But after a few days of happy go-lucky jazz with my hidden annoyance, it all changed.
Part 3: Maybe a Match Made in Hell (Sorry if that offends...)
That's right. Why? Because eventually it was clear my extreme annoyance with the two girls was shared by my other roommates. That was good. Really it was. Because we could share our feelings and anger with each other. Unfortunately, those feelings grew like a huge-o forest fire. Big whoop. Right? Then Holly went and made us all mad in the most despicable way.
That trick turned me in.
I like how Ashley words the situation.
" Nikole walks in, obviously upset. Apparently a CERTAIN roommate was uncomfortable with the fact that Nikole occasionally spends the night at a friend's house, so she went right ahead and talked to our RA to "see if it was against the Honor Code" without even talking to Nikole about it first!! (And just to clarify, Nikole and a group of her best friends have been having sleepovers with each other for a while now at this house, and yes, there are a couple males involved. They do everything together...they even formed a band a few weeks ago :) But she never knew this was against the Honor Code because she wasn't doing bad things or even doing it on campus. Just a group of besties hanging out at someone's house.) So the RA went to the Head RA, and they're going to talk to the Honor Code office about it. This is worse than it sounds. The Honor Code people take their job very seriously, and if they feel the Honor Code is being broken, serious measures will be taken. Nikole could very easily lose her scholarship, and if worse comes to worse, she could even be kicked out of the school."
To say I was upset, is a steep understatement. So, we talked to them. After our discussion, it was supposedly understood that all Honor Code violations be brought up with the person before the H.C.O.
Remember that. It's important to the story.
ANYWHO, we were all frustrated with the two (fill in a variety of insults). So, in all honesty, we weren't exactly nice to them. In our defense, we never did anything terrible and they were hardly home anyway. PLUS, they did stuff back, like walk in two minutes after guys are supposed to leave saying "Do you kids need help moving to the lobby?" Gag.
Mostly, we just talked about them behind their backs. We are college girls. It happens.
Part 4: Deny Me Once, I Try to Get Along, Deny Me Twice, You Gotta Get the H*** OUT
It wasn't long before we were all sick of the situation. We talked to them, as straight up as possible, the four of us told them why they do NOT mesh in this apartment and why they should move. They denied again.
You know...Amy kept on talking about how she doesn't need acceptance to be who she is blah blah blah won't change for anyone blah. Amy. Girl. If you ever read this, frankly, you're an idiot. No one wanted you to change, we wanted your butt out of our place.
Fine.
Whatever.
We decided that we're sick of all this stupid stuff, and made an agreement to be nice from now on. No backtalking. No pranks. No nothing. Nice.
Part 5: A Broken Promise
Remember how we would take up Honor Code stuffs with the person first? Yeah. Those girls don't know what an agreement is.
Jenna, Sophie, Ashley, and I all had meetings, individually, with the Hall Advisor and the head of ALL housing at BYU to discuss our "disregard of the rules".  Here's the deal. My best friend ever, Sophie's brother and Jenna's brother have been in their sister's bedrooms. NO ONE cared. Well, untrue, someone did, but they didn't have the lady balls to come talk to us about it. They told their mother. Their mother. Who called the head of housing and complained.
Time out.
We moved out. We are living on our own. We are legal adults. Is it really appropriate to get your mom involved in something like this? No. It's not.
GROW UP HOLLY!
Anyway, so because my "offense" wasn't family, I'm in even more trouble. I do have to move out. Let us hope that the behavioral contract I now have to sign tomorrow doesn't involve me paying for housing anyway.

So that's that.
The entire story.
That's my side of the story, the right side.
I didn't exaggerate the truth. I didn't lie.
Questions? Post 'em. I'll answer full heartily.

Amy, Holly, I wish you luck in your life. Because in all honesty...you're gonna have a rough time. Four people are moving out, and changing their lives completely, leaving their new ward and neighbors....because of you. I have to move home. I don't wanna do that AT ALL. Because of you. I'm sorry if we hurt you. But talk to the person next time.
From,
Me.

Tooth Fairy: Leading Kids to Gehenna

Little Candice Harrison finally felt the wiggling sensation in one of her central incisors. After hours of tugging, and shimmying(?) her little baby tooth, it lost its grip on her little pink gum and fell out. Carefully, she placed it under her pillow, and the next day, awoke to a shiny new quarter...or two...or twenty bucks (inflation). Oh. How sweet is that?!

But, what happened to Miss Candice Harrison?
Meet Candy. That's right. Candice grew and chose a less-than-desirable occupation charging $30-$150 an hour for her "services".

Stay with me. Prostitution is often referred to as the oldest profession, dating back to the beginning of time. Women were totally gypped and had no way of earning money. Well, it is said that men have always been at the mercy of their urges, and so women learned to sell their bodies for food, clothing and shelter.

Bull.

Prostitution started because children like Candice learned they could sell their body parts for money. The Tooth Fairy taught them this. Eventually, (after a short phase of hack-sawing enemies and selling those body parts) girls, like Candice, realize they can sell their entire bodies.

So, remember the next time you tuck in your little toothless girl in for a sweet night: That mythical Tooth Fairy you told her about, could lead that little girl into the very depths of Hades.

Bookface

The life of a college student is very full and busy, but some students, like me, aren't that busy...in fact, our lives are incredibly BORING. Solution? Internet. Namely? Netflix and Facebook.

Facebook.

An incredible website with over 500 million active users. People, all declaring themselves to be over thirteen, exchange messages, upload pictures, update statuses...statusi, and stalk (a lot), among other things. However, I think that there could be some definite improvements. So, I'm creating (in my fictional land of things I daydream about doing and becoming famous and loved by millions for) a very original website called "bookface".

Here's some major differences between "bookface" and "facebook"

Screening. Each new user (invited by a current user) must complete a screening test WHILE hooked up to a lie detector. Blood or urine samples may be, but are not always, necessary. This way, we can prevent several kinds of "facebookers" from becoming "bookfacers"

• The sympathy-baiter. "could really use some good news now" "worst day ever!" "is sad" these are the statusessesi...that will never be allowed!
• The incessant inviter-"Support my cause!" "Come to my big thingy, everyone will be there" "I took the which famous president quiz are you and got Nixon. Which one are YOU?" "I'm inviting you to national hug a Mormon/Jew/College Student/Grandma day!"
• The quidnuc-The peeping Toms of Facebook. These people are just too careful, or lazy, to post anything ever, or update their status, or anything! Yet, when you talk to them, they'll bring up something you posted. They're on your page. Hiding in the shadows. Creepy...
• The paparazzi-I swear, some people make it their goal to get the most hideous and/or incriminating pictures of people, post them on facebook, tag them, and repeat. Many many times. This also includes the people who have cameras attached to their hips/eyeballs and constantly post more and more pictures. However, this doesn't count the people that take a ton of pictures, try to edit them with photoshop and repost them...because I'm one of those.
• Missionaries-Facebook is not the place to be posting updates on your religious beliefs. That's my personal opinion.
• The Updater of Minutiae-these people let you know when they're eating a sandwich, doing homework, shopping, talking to their grandmas, watching the latest Glee episode, or how much they love their dog/friend/girlfriend/mom, etc.

With my screen test, a series of elaborate questions will be asked to determine who is normal and awesome, and who is one of these guys...or something else terrible/embarrassing.

Also, bookface will be purple, not blue. Ads will pay for it, of course, but they will be invisible and silent.

There WILL be a dislike button, and even a boot button. The boot button sends a request to the bookface team to review the person who was "booted" and deny them access to bookface or not.

Instead of profile pictures, everyone will have profile portraits.

The consequences for someone messing with a bookface profile that is not their own will be DIRE. Like "pick a switch" if ya know what I mean.

Ask Victoria Norton

I decided to have a post similar to an advice column, an advice post. Why? Because I must be great at giving advice. I mean, everyone asks for it...okay not really, but that's still my reason why!

All advice column's titles are formatted like this "Ask -insert writer's alias-" So, I googled a name generator to find my own alias. Unfortunately the first name that came up was "Nicole Brahed," so I gave the generator another go to get "Victoria Norton"

Also, I don't really have any questions...so I just stole some from an actual advice column til this one kicks off.

Dear Mrs. Web Victoria Norton,

My mother and I are really close. I am 13. There is only one problem. She doesn’t know I go out with boys. She is always telling her friends that I am different and not interested in that sort of thing. I want to know if I should tell her. The one other time I lied to her she cried because I kept a secret from her. I need help.

-Rhonda Buttts

Miss Buttts,

I'm going to answer your question with a question. What do you mean you date boys?? Your last name is "butt" with an extra "t". I just don't see how this is a problem. Really, your question should be more like "I pretend to go out with boys. My mom is always telling her friends that I'm not interested in actually dating. I don't know if I should tell her I pretend to be more attractive and dateable than I am. Last time I lied to her, she cried." See? There really is no problem here. Why should you tell your mom you don't actually date when she thinks you don't actually date?! Idiot.

Dear Mrs. Web Victoria Norton,

How do I tell my father that I flunked out at the university? I haven’t had the courage to tell him yet. He is expecting me to go back in the fall semester. This has been like a boulder in the pit of my stomach.

-Andy Hesnish

Andy, here's the problem. You are a failure. There's no way getting around it. I mean, you failed school. So, you're going to fail at telling your father the bad news. You'll probably fail at finding a girlfriend. In fact, you're just gonna fail at absolutely everything. I say, pal, just deal with it. Eventually, you'll get used to your constant failures. If not, you'll just become a lazy drunk.

Dear Mrs. Web, Victoria Norton

My family does not have a television. When my parents come to visit, they seem uncomfortable that we do not have one. They consider us very unusual because we do not have one in the house. For the third time, they recently have sent us a television as a gift. We do not want to have one in the house and we have given away the other two. How should we handle this?

-Henry Roberts

Henry, just get a d*** tv! It's only human.

One more? Oh okay, you talked me into it.

Dear Mrs. Web Victoria Norton,

I have 2 dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can’t do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?

-Chad

Well, CHAD, someone has got to go. It's either the dogs or your neighbors. You shouldn't have to clean poop off your own lawn, it's your lawn! But these complaints from your neighbors are no bueno. So, here's a hint. Axe, sword, pizza cutter, gun. You just gotta pick who you love more. Fluffy and Snowball, or your dogs?

That's all the questions I'm gonna answer today. Got a question? I would love to answer it.

Meat Market

As posted a few months ago, BYU is a meat market.

"Meat Market? Yes. Meat Market. What in the flippin' world is a meat market? Well, I will tell you. When you go to a butcher shop (aka "meat market") you see a world full of different meat. Ribs, steak, roasts, you name it, but you don't want to get some crappy meat with way nasty parts, so you inspect the meat carefully knowing you'll get some in the end. BYU is a meat

market. The meat? Girls. The shopper? Boys. It's kind of ridiculous."

That's what I wrote, and it's true. It REALLY is. I mean my good roommie, Sophia, has been asked on a million dates and has been in almost two relationships. Two of my other roommates have successfully landed boyfriends since their arrival at this University a few months ago. Ashley has been asked out a lot, and Jenna has been on several dates as well. In fact, almost every girl has. The guys are inspecting the meat. But, I realized something.

I'm the slimy, sour, E. coli ridden rump roast jammed in the back of the freezer.

I'm not saying that as a plea for attention, or anything stupid like that. I'm just saying that I must not be the prime target for these Y-boys. I've yet to be asked on any dates whatsoever, and a date that was set-up for me didn't work out...I got stood up on a date I wasn't even asked out on....

NOW, I don't really want to be some other lamb chop or top blade boneless steak under the glass of the butcher shop, but I mean really!

I don't know why I'm blogging/venting about this to you, my few readers, but I am.

Sophie says my lack of dating is because I often leave to hang with my good, excellent, amazing friends, Seth, Andrew, Dan, and sometimes Stuart, but I dare say that is not true. I do chill with them a lot, but I'm surrounded by students everyday, and hang out with guys and girls from around here too.

Well. Let us hope I do not offend. Because that could be a clear reason to my "problem" (it's not really..) But yeah.