Ask Victoria Norton

I decided to have a post similar to an advice column, an advice post. Why? Because I must be great at giving advice. I mean, everyone asks for it...okay not really, but that's still my reason why!

All advice column's titles are formatted like this "Ask -insert writer's alias-" So, I googled a name generator to find my own alias. Unfortunately the first name that came up was "Nicole Brahed," so I gave the generator another go to get "Victoria Norton"

Also, I don't really have any questions...so I just stole some from an actual advice column til this one kicks off.

Dear Mrs. Web Victoria Norton,

My mother and I are really close. I am 13. There is only one problem. She doesn’t know I go out with boys. She is always telling her friends that I am different and not interested in that sort of thing. I want to know if I should tell her. The one other time I lied to her she cried because I kept a secret from her. I need help.

-Rhonda Buttts

Miss Buttts,

I'm going to answer your question with a question. What do you mean you date boys?? Your last name is "butt" with an extra "t". I just don't see how this is a problem. Really, your question should be more like "I pretend to go out with boys. My mom is always telling her friends that I'm not interested in actually dating. I don't know if I should tell her I pretend to be more attractive and dateable than I am. Last time I lied to her, she cried." See? There really is no problem here. Why should you tell your mom you don't actually date when she thinks you don't actually date?! Idiot.

Dear Mrs. Web Victoria Norton,

How do I tell my father that I flunked out at the university? I haven’t had the courage to tell him yet. He is expecting me to go back in the fall semester. This has been like a boulder in the pit of my stomach.

-Andy Hesnish

Andy, here's the problem. You are a failure. There's no way getting around it. I mean, you failed school. So, you're going to fail at telling your father the bad news. You'll probably fail at finding a girlfriend. In fact, you're just gonna fail at absolutely everything. I say, pal, just deal with it. Eventually, you'll get used to your constant failures. If not, you'll just become a lazy drunk.

Dear Mrs. Web, Victoria Norton

My family does not have a television. When my parents come to visit, they seem uncomfortable that we do not have one. They consider us very unusual because we do not have one in the house. For the third time, they recently have sent us a television as a gift. We do not want to have one in the house and we have given away the other two. How should we handle this?

-Henry Roberts

Henry, just get a d*** tv! It's only human.

One more? Oh okay, you talked me into it.

Dear Mrs. Web Victoria Norton,

I have 2 dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can’t do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?

-Chad

Well, CHAD, someone has got to go. It's either the dogs or your neighbors. You shouldn't have to clean poop off your own lawn, it's your lawn! But these complaints from your neighbors are no bueno. So, here's a hint. Axe, sword, pizza cutter, gun. You just gotta pick who you love more. Fluffy and Snowball, or your dogs?

That's all the questions I'm gonna answer today. Got a question? I would love to answer it.